I Just Can\'t Do This

I am so depressed again. I am isolating myself from everyone and I hate myself for doing so. I want to quit so badly. I am so miserable and tired of feeling bad. I am tired of feeling like I don\'t belong anywhere. I want to smile again. I want to feel important again. I want friends and family in my life. I am truly close to giving up. I\'m hanging on for my kids, though. I\'ll hang on as long as I can.

Doctor Visit Today

Saw my PCP and I think it went well. He definitely has issues with the way my LLMD is treating my illness, but at the same he supports me. We will see what blood tests will show. I\'m supposed to try to see a shrink because Richard thinks I might be bipolar. Fun. I\'m a big old mess, quite frankly. And I hate it.

I want to quit

On vacation. Quit abx to go on this trip. Also ran out of my antidepressant, Cymbalta, a couple of days ago. Double whammy! Suicide thoughts are running rampant. Pain and depression have taken over. I am a waste of space. My husband hates me. I am boring. I am ugly. I am moody. I am unnecessary. I want to leave this world so very badly. I need help. I need someone to gently love me and help me through this dark time in my life. I am lost. I\'m bitter. I\'m damaged beyond belief and probably have no hope for a normal life. I\'m so sick of feeling this low in my life. Friends at dinner, never include me in conversation....except tonight when one told me that I ate as much as she and her husband combined. That felt lovely.

Bartonella Treatment

I\'ve been on rifampin for a couple of weeks and quite frankly, this is the worst I have felt since getting sick. I\'m not even on the full dose yet. I\'m in so much pain and the fatigue is overwhelming. I honestly think I am losing my battle with Lyme. I\'m scared and sad. Please pray for me.

depression

I honestly don\'t know if it is due to the Lyme, but I am depressed to a point I don\'t think I will ever get over. I feel worthless, unhappy, and as if I would be better off dead. I am on vacation and locked up in my dark room alone instead of enjoying my family and the beach. I can\'t go on like this. I truly can\'t...

Not Doing Well

I feel like I won't live much longer for some reason. I am not doing well. I'm probably herxing from flagyl, but I feel like something is really off. I can't explain it and I am tired of going to doctors. I am tired period. I'm not sure why, but I feel like a ticking time bomb. Chest feels tight. Migraines daily. No appetite. I'd say I'm scared ...but I'm just too damn tired of being sick to be scared.

Lyme Disease Is Kicking My Butt!

I haven't blogged in a while.  I truly haven't felt like it.  I have tried to stop complaining, whining, etc.

I have realized, however, that I need to vent.  I need an outlet.  I feel like dirt and I can't just ignore it.

So....if it's okay with you guys, I'll be around a little more from now on.

Hugs to all,
Beth