Distractions From Pain

Games are such a good distraction for me.  I love games like Words With Friends and Matching With Friends that keep my mind busy, but I have to say that sometimes mindless games are even better.  Draw Something is such a hoot! I suck at drawing, but love laughing at my crazy pictures. It's a fun game if you haven't tried it.

Just sayin.....

Change

So I'm not sure I am doing the right thing, but I am desperate. I have decided to stop antibiotics for now.  I'm tired of herxing and my marriage is suffering.  I figure I can't get much worse.  I want to be able to be a good wife, mom, stepmom, sister, daughter, and friend again. I'm none of those right now.

This is day 3 of no abx and my only symptoms that are new are sharp ear pain (left ear-along with dizziness and left temple pain), bad allergies, and random twitches over my right eyebrow.  The allergies seem to flare up every time I go off antibiotics...which is strange to me.  The ear pain is probably a little ear infection, but oddly enough my daughter has the SAME pain and symptoms in her ear too. Odd.

I'll update more this week.  School starts tomorrow and I'm ready to get back to a "normal" schedule.

I Just Can\'t Do This

I am so depressed again. I am isolating myself from everyone and I hate myself for doing so. I want to quit so badly. I am so miserable and tired of feeling bad. I am tired of feeling like I don\'t belong anywhere. I want to smile again. I want to feel important again. I want friends and family in my life. I am truly close to giving up. I\'m hanging on for my kids, though. I\'ll hang on as long as I can.

Doctor Visit Today

Saw my PCP and I think it went well. He definitely has issues with the way my LLMD is treating my illness, but at the same he supports me. We will see what blood tests will show. I\'m supposed to try to see a shrink because Richard thinks I might be bipolar. Fun. I\'m a big old mess, quite frankly. And I hate it.

I want to quit

On vacation. Quit abx to go on this trip. Also ran out of my antidepressant, Cymbalta, a couple of days ago. Double whammy! Suicide thoughts are running rampant. Pain and depression have taken over. I am a waste of space. My husband hates me. I am boring. I am ugly. I am moody. I am unnecessary. I want to leave this world so very badly. I need help. I need someone to gently love me and help me through this dark time in my life. I am lost. I\'m bitter. I\'m damaged beyond belief and probably have no hope for a normal life. I\'m so sick of feeling this low in my life. Friends at dinner, never include me in conversation....except tonight when one told me that I ate as much as she and her husband combined. That felt lovely.