I just felt like blogging because I am so down. It is so therapeutic to blog. Right now I should be pretty happy, but I am down and don't know if I will ever be up again.
I don't see my family nearly enough. We are in Tennessee and it is the first time I have seen my aunts, uncles, cousins, and even my mom in a long time. I have felt pretty well physically (except for during the long car ride from Texas-that caused mucho pain!)
So why in the world should I be so unhappy?
It's my marriage. It's very much on the rocks. It has made this trip really bad for me. I have cried so much and I have not been able to enjoy my relatives the way I should.
I'm trapped in my marriage, though, for many reasons.
1. My kids---I don't want them to have to change schools, lifestyle, and step-brothers. They are very happy here.
2. I have no job. He made me quit a job I loved at a school I loved. It made sense at the time and I honestly enjoy being a stay at home mom. But---I have no income from being at home.
3. This damn arthritis. I seriously don't know how I could work full time and be a single mom when I feel the way I have for the past 12 months. I hurt so badly when I have a busy day and I can't even imagine the fatigue I would experience. Ugh.
I try to "grin and bear it" for my kids. I love my husband at times and he makes me laugh....however, he is not real supportive of my condition---in fact, I really think he resents me because of it.
I will figure things out eventually, I suppose. It's truly scary feeling suicidal. I want to enjoy life again. I want to be happy.
On another note: my sister, who has had psoriasis for a long time, took one look at my skin lesions and easily identified them as being psoriasis. I guess I need to go to the dermatologist. If I am diagnosed with psoriasis, I will officially be diagnosed with PSA. Not that it really matters, but a name will make me feel validated in a way. "Undifferentiated Spondylarthropy" seems so......nonspecific. When anyone asks me what I have, I hate telling them. All I know is it is real---my rheumatologist knows it is from my bone and joint scans---and it would be nice to finally have a specific diagnosis.
Thanks for letting me vent, my blogging world friends.
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