Friday, August 10, 2012
I want to quit
On vacation. Quit abx to go on this trip. Also ran out of my antidepressant, Cymbalta, a couple of days ago. Double whammy! Suicide thoughts are running rampant. Pain and depression have taken over. I am a waste of space. My husband hates me. I am boring. I am ugly. I am moody. I am unnecessary. I want to leave this world so very badly. I need help. I need someone to gently love me and help me through this dark time in my life. I am lost. I\'m bitter. I\'m damaged beyond belief and probably have no hope for a normal life. I\'m so sick of feeling this low in my life. Friends at dinner, never include me in conversation....except tonight when one told me that I ate as much as she and her husband combined. That felt lovely.
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I understand that feeling.... I try to find one thing about each day to complement myself on. Maybe one day it is getting to and through a doc app or test, another day it's just getting up and taking my meds and eating and maybe another it's that I was able to brush my cat(s). Don't be too hard on yourself. Yes, no one directly around you fully understands (unless you have a friend going through the same thing) what you are going through so you have to compliment yourself.
ReplyDeleteMaybe this blog post isn't helpful but I thought I would share it with you: http://www.rheumatoidarthritisguy.com/2012/08/continued-happiness-one-minute-at-a-time/
ReplyDeleteI agree that I find I must live one minute at a time or it becomes to overwhelming.
I have been there before and I imagine I will likely be there again. It's important to remember that the feelings of despair are a symptom, not the reality. I've been sick for about as long as you have, and have also been on a searching journey. I think the previous commenter has it dead on- our family and friends don't understand what we are experiencing so we have to be extra-kind to ourselves.
ReplyDeleteI strongly believe that we will all get better- this isn't permanent, and our immune systems can heal. It's just horribly frustrating in the meantime...
I am so sorry to see you suffering so badly! This miserable affliction is so demoralizing. Please try to hold on! Is there any way you can get your doctor to send a new script to a pharmacy near where you are vacationing? Stopping antidepressants suddenly really screws people up, that's why when a decision is made to get off of them it is usually withdrawn gradually. Your poor brain is probably in shock from the sudden chemistry change. I know it is super hard but please, please, try to hang in there and give your body and brain some time to adjust to the changes. You are in my thoughts and prayers. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI have struggled with this also. Please see if you can get a new script for your cymbalta. You are not a waste of space, you are important and necessary in this world. Please try to hang on. I am sending hugs and prayers!
ReplyDeleteheather