Ferraris and Roses

Feeling Guilty

How do I prove to my husband that I'm truly wanting to get better? He's been there for me, taken me to doctors, picked up prescriptions, and more.  He's tired of me not feeling up to doing fun stuff.  I don't want him to think I am using Lyme as an excuse to not go out with him.  It's so hard to explain this pain and fatigue to anyone.  I hate it.

I'm starting a new antibiotic tonight or tomorrow.  Pray I see results soon....

Do You Really Think I WANT To Feel Like Crap?!?

   

  

I think the world thinks I'm lazy.  

It wouldn't bother me if it weren't for my children. I honestly don't want them to resent me when I'm gone because I didn't have the energy to be a good mom. I never dreamed that at 44 years old, one hour of shopping at the mall would leave me feeling drained, feverish, and in pain.  I never would have thought that I would not feel like going to Target or Michaels or even Petsmart (my favorite stores) most days because it hurts too much.  Driving wears me out.  Going out to dinner is exhausting.  I truly am "a bore".

But, dammit! It's not because I want to feel this way!!! It's not me just wanting to be a blob! I have so much I want to do in this life! I love photography. I want to teach again. I want to do crafts, bake, and learn to use my new sewing machine.  I want to get my masters degree. I want to travel.  I want to exercise. I want to go to lunch with friends.

I want my life to be normal!

I have decided that I am going to start back up on my antibiotics.  I think the next one I'm supposed to take is an injection, but screw it! I'll do it if it gives me even the slightest edge on this stupid Lyme Disease!

I'm not lazy! I'm infected with Lyme.  Please understand that.....

Distractions From Pain

Games are such a good distraction for me.  I love games like Words With Friends and Matching With Friends that keep my mind busy, but I have to say that sometimes mindless games are even better.  Draw Something is such a hoot! I suck at drawing, but love laughing at my crazy pictures. It's a fun game if you haven't tried it.

Just sayin.....

Change

So I'm not sure I am doing the right thing, but I am desperate. I have decided to stop antibiotics for now.  I'm tired of herxing and my marriage is suffering.  I figure I can't get much worse.  I want to be able to be a good wife, mom, stepmom, sister, daughter, and friend again. I'm none of those right now.

This is day 3 of no abx and my only symptoms that are new are sharp ear pain (left ear-along with dizziness and left temple pain), bad allergies, and random twitches over my right eyebrow.  The allergies seem to flare up every time I go off antibiotics...which is strange to me.  The ear pain is probably a little ear infection, but oddly enough my daughter has the SAME pain and symptoms in her ear too. Odd.

I'll update more this week.  School starts tomorrow and I'm ready to get back to a "normal" schedule.

I Just Can\'t Do This

I am so depressed again. I am isolating myself from everyone and I hate myself for doing so. I want to quit so badly. I am so miserable and tired of feeling bad. I am tired of feeling like I don\'t belong anywhere. I want to smile again. I want to feel important again. I want friends and family in my life. I am truly close to giving up. I\'m hanging on for my kids, though. I\'ll hang on as long as I can.

Doctor Visit Today

Saw my PCP and I think it went well. He definitely has issues with the way my LLMD is treating my illness, but at the same he supports me. We will see what blood tests will show. I\'m supposed to try to see a shrink because Richard thinks I might be bipolar. Fun. I\'m a big old mess, quite frankly. And I hate it.

I want to quit

On vacation. Quit abx to go on this trip. Also ran out of my antidepressant, Cymbalta, a couple of days ago. Double whammy! Suicide thoughts are running rampant. Pain and depression have taken over. I am a waste of space. My husband hates me. I am boring. I am ugly. I am moody. I am unnecessary. I want to leave this world so very badly. I need help. I need someone to gently love me and help me through this dark time in my life. I am lost. I\'m bitter. I\'m damaged beyond belief and probably have no hope for a normal life. I\'m so sick of feeling this low in my life. Friends at dinner, never include me in conversation....except tonight when one told me that I ate as much as she and her husband combined. That felt lovely.

Bartonella Treatment

I\'ve been on rifampin for a couple of weeks and quite frankly, this is the worst I have felt since getting sick. I\'m not even on the full dose yet. I\'m in so much pain and the fatigue is overwhelming. I honestly think I am losing my battle with Lyme. I\'m scared and sad. Please pray for me.

depression

I honestly don\'t know if it is due to the Lyme, but I am depressed to a point I don\'t think I will ever get over. I feel worthless, unhappy, and as if I would be better off dead. I am on vacation and locked up in my dark room alone instead of enjoying my family and the beach. I can\'t go on like this. I truly can\'t...

Not Doing Well

I feel like I won't live much longer for some reason. I am not doing well. I'm probably herxing from flagyl, but I feel like something is really off. I can't explain it and I am tired of going to doctors. I am tired period. I'm not sure why, but I feel like a ticking time bomb. Chest feels tight. Migraines daily. No appetite. I'd say I'm scared ...but I'm just too damn tired of being sick to be scared.

Lyme Disease Is Kicking My Butt!

I haven't blogged in a while.  I truly haven't felt like it.  I have tried to stop complaining, whining, etc.

I have realized, however, that I need to vent.  I need an outlet.  I feel like dirt and I can't just ignore it.

So....if it's okay with you guys, I'll be around a little more from now on.

Hugs to all,
Beth