I Want To Give Up Now

How do you go on when the quality of your life is no longer anywhere near what it used to be?

How do you go on when the pain is so bad, you cry several times a day?

How do you go on when you can't even enjoy time with the people you love the most because of the pain you are experiencing?

How do you go on when you are no longer the mother your kids deserve because you hurt so bad so much of the time?

How do you go on when you feel so alone because nobody understands what you are going through?

I don't know the answers to these questions, but I wish I did.  I'm not sure I can go on much longer like this.

MRI Time

I'm having an MRI of my knee done tomorrow at 7:30 am.  I'll have my ankle and foot done on Friday morning.  Not sure what can be seen or determined by this, but hopefully something.

Not too much pain today, but my low-grade fever was back and I was extremely tired.

I'm feeling down....and alone.  I could use a friend or two right now.

GROSSSSSSSSSSS!

That's what my kids say when they look at my hands.  Isn't that nice?  Here is what my hands look like after being out in the cold for a while.  This picture was taken after being inside (in a heated car) for 30 minutes.

Isn't that lovely?  That's an example of my Raynaud's.   My hands aren't typically as bad as my feet, but still...it's not a very fun condition.  My pinky and forefinger were completely numb for an hour.  I've had Raynaud's for many years, but only rarely did it act up....Until lately.  Now it happens all the time.  Yuck.

Today I taught Sunday School.  By the time it was over, I was HURTING!  My legs and arms hurt like crazy and I was exhausted.  I hate this.  I really do.

I go back to the orthopedic surgeon tomorrow.  He's the one who prescribed the Lyrica.  I will tell him that I feel a *little* better pain-wise, but it's definitely not gone.  I also will talk to him about how my toe still hurts,  but now my ankle and knee are hurting as well.

I talked to another lacrosse mom at Jake's practice today.  She has been having similar medical problems.  Hers have been going on a bit longer and a big difference with hers is that her ANA test was very positive and I believe her RF was positive too.  Mine were both negative.  It was nice to talk to her.  She is a neat person and I hope she and I will get the chance to get together sometime soon.

Thank you to those of you who have commented.  It means a lot to me.  I'm learning a lot and it helps to have support from people who understand what I'm going through.

The Straw That Broke MY Back

Today the pain has been about a 6.   It hurts and I feel tired and nobody in my life understands.  (Poor Me, Right?)

I called my rheumy today because I am almost out of my pain meds.  I only take one a day and I save it for when I feel my worst and need to function.  If I don't need one, I don't take one.  I'm NOT abusing them.  Hell, I've lived for 7 months in constant pain and it's nice to finally get a few hours of relief in my day. 

When the nurse called me back, she said that my dr. doesn't want to give me a refill, but instead wants me to go to a pain management dr.  I'm so freakin' sick of her pushing me off to other doctors.  That's all she does.  It is so annoying.

And get this....she said: "The dr. wants you to go to a pain management specialist if you are having pain still, since all the tests show you don't have arthritis."   That did it.  I will be calling and asking for my files to be sent to the new rheumatologist I am going to see in a couple of weeks.  I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing, but now I KNOW I am.  In my mind, those words say, "I think this pain is in your head, chick, so leave me alone."

I just want to cry.

"I get aches and pains too"

I woke up with my foot numb this morning.  The pain in my ankle and knee is a lot worse.  My husband tells me it's just part of getting older.  That he gets aches and pains too.  This makes me angry.  It really does.  I feel as if he is minimizing my situation.  I swear, I hope and pray SOMEBODY gives me a diagnosis someday soon.  I can't take this much longer.  My body is telling me something is wrong.  Just because the blood tests aren't, doesn't mean it's all in my head.  I want someone to believe me and take me seriously.  I want to feel better.

I'm going back to bed.

Crap!

That's all I can say right now.

I just got back from another water aerobics class.  It was okay, but there were several exercises that bothered me.  It's mostly my left side that is messed up right now.  My knee was hurting and popping during a couple of exercises.  It felt really weird, so I stopped doing whatever it was we were doing at that time.  My ankle and toes hurt and couldn't move the way she was having us move them during the stretching part at the end.

Now I feel really weak.  I took a shower when I got home.  While in the shower, I was shaving and realized I was having a hard time holding the razor.  WTH?  It didn't hurt really, just felt like my hand was too weak or something.

I'm scared.  What is wrong with me????

Lyrica Helping??

I am beginning to think the Lyrica is working.  I've been almost pain-free today.  I'd say maybe a 2 out of ten.  Wow!  It's a good feeling.

So...does this mean that my pain is caused by fibromyalgia?  Lyrica is prescribed for fibro, right?

I'll have to ask my doctor.

Speaking of doctors.....I am going to a new Rheumatologist on Feb. 2nd.  Get this: My appointment is at 4:00 A.M!!!!  Can you believe that?  The receptionist told me that the appointment will last 4-5 hours.  That makes me feel good because at least he is thorough.  My current rheumy hasn't spent that much time with me in all of my appointments combined!

I'm going to water aerobics again in the morning.  I was planning on going tonight, but my daughter had a school meeting that we both had to attend.  I hope the workout feels good again.

I'm feeling pretty happy right now.  At least about my health. 
Goodnight!